Jeez, we all married the same guy. A reader writes: My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Hes disabled, finds it extremely difficult to cook for himself, and suffers from anxiety, and he doesnt like me going on business trips. And in small towns all over America people are being shot in churches, schools, shopping malls etc. This is a great space to write long text about your company and your services. Jealous? And his anxiety is HIS to manage, not hers. But yeah, even then Im thinking more one-off or emergency situations at home, not I dont like that city!. I had half a day free so I went horseback riding in the desert (which was spectacular and I recommend to anyone). And opportunities to cheat and people who will spike a strangers drink exist in every city. Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. Giving the husband the most benefit of the doubt possible, its possible he rants and raves and his friends all go hmm, interesting. Not seeing any benefit in engaging someone whos clearly nuts on the subject. The letter writers last trip was in February and the manager from the other thread wrote to Alison in the beginning of March, which would be right after she got back from this Vegas trip and told her boss she would no longer travel. Except he took a poll of his mom. My husband would answer that question with Only if its inside. Bigger point being ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS and not their place to weigh in. Later I saw an art exhibit. Biking to work? I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. OP, only you can make the choice about whether this marriage is worth staying in. Then we went to Hoover Dam on a tour. Actually if you go off the Strip theres quite a few things to see and do around Vegas (also non-gambler here), desert hikes, assorted museums (notably neon art & the mob), and my personal favorite the Pinball Hall of Fame which has 100+ playable pinball machines (old and new). I know this is way off-topic, but deplane is a horrendous word. When my spouse was almost sent overseas on a long term work trip, I actually offered to go with him (and pay my own way) not because I was worried hed get up to something without being supervised, but because I travel frequently for work and he almost never does, so it seemed like the easiest way for me to just take care of stuff so that he wasnt stranded in a foreign airport without knowing what to do or how to make a phone call. Yep, this was one of my thoughts this might be a seriously overactive anxiety problem at work. I didnt read him as being a chauvinist. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). Thats not how this works!! The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. He is asking the wrong people. I shut that down fast by reminding her I was working an evening shift that ended at 11 PM. We live in an at-will dating society, where either party can end the relationship at any time, with or without cause and with or without notice. Good luck, Emma. Maybe you can rest your husbands anxiety by telling him youll be too busy. And the shopping! Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). Someone this uptight probably doesnt have friends. Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. The big hotels are super experienced and the conference ran just about as smoothly as something of that size possibly could. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. Im a husband sometimes prone to irrational fears about if my wife is okay. Sometimes its easier to understand from the outside by hearing other stories about how irrational thoughts can impact our lives. Ultimately I did choose my career over my marriage and now Im in the the middle of a divorce because of it. Im not diagnosing at all. But its a pretty serious one-off. OP, I saw one of your responses saying your husband is otherwise kind. He does that three to four times a year. They were lost and just wanted to get back to the station, happened to see one guy had a gun and started cryingwhich caused all the guys to worriedly come over, try to calm them down, then send a guy to escort them personally to the train station. I still think he worries about my safety a bit too much (and whoa, good Im not headed to war zones at this point in my career! So maybe the husband should only attempt to veto conferences in the Midwest? Caveat: I dont think scheduled calls ALONE will solve OPs issue. This was not such a culture. Good for you,OP, for asking how to deal with a difficult situation. Right. You (and a therapist) would know better. Have never felt nervous yet. Not for me. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). Ive known many a controlling spouse, but most of them know to keep it in check when it comes to the providers job. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. And no matter what, go on the trip. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? He and this whole situation is definitely unstable and unsustainable. Its a slippery slope when someone starts demanding changes to accommodate their objections to acceptable societal norms. or even where to eat dinner. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. The biggest crime Ive personally witnessed is the outrageous price of food. A Group Leader is a What to Expect community member who has been selected by our staff to help maintain a positive, supportive tone within a group. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. Id be wondering if it isnt time to reconsider the marriage. Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. And absolutely do not let his anxiety limit your life. We went to the Grand Canyon, went ziplining in the mountains and had a great without ever stepping in a casino. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. If I died while on travel, hed get an insurance payout and be able to live without working for X months; then he could remarry or move or whatnot. Another is that hes questioning the companys motives. Ah, but you have a job, and Im guessing are presumably a more equal breadwinner in your household. Its also putting some stress on our relationship, because Im starting to feel resentful about the time I have to spend reassuring you. I just want to highlight this since some commenters are piling on about the husband being some kind of chauvinist keeping women down. It comes across as so controlling. But it could be so many other things as well. I think its fine for different people to have different types of relationships. The reality of the place is really NBD. We took a shorter trip while he we breastfeeding and and still did it the same. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! My mom has cooled off a bit now that Im almost 40 (!! I love her, and I know she warns me about this because she loves me and she wants me to be safe, but Im just really glad to see Im not the only one right now!! husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Its just a normal American city that happens to have the nations most vast square footage of conference hall space and some of its cheapest business-class hotels. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. Nobody ever said I wont let you go on that trip, but it certainly wouldnt have ended well if they had. This is really weird and honestly, bordering on abusive (at the very least controlling). Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. I have family in Henderson and go there every February to escape the snow. My answer to the two questions asked in the original post are: No, you wouldn't be a terrible husband to go on a trip with a group without her. source: awkward . I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. Ive pretty much given up on trips for fun. Take the same approach; its a problem affecting you both that you both want to fix. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. I do sympathize with what you are dealing with. Your husband is way overreacting and yall need to figure out why. Her starting point is out of loveshe doesnt want to lose me. walk. But yes, OP, this does smell of jealousy. No, youre absolutely right. I went to Vegas for an academic conference once and it was soooo super tame. I would hate to see that whatever reassurances/checking in could have a negative impact on how you are perceived in your office. apply jobappnetwork com elior; farmington, ct homes for sale by owner Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. I just assumed hes lying about even asking anyone. I understand having those anxious thoughts, absolutely, especially if youve been cheated on in the past but if youre at the point of accusing your partner that theyll take some hypothetical opportunity to cheat and are foricng them to defend themselves from a purely hypothetical accusation, there are serious issues. Or the students who rejected their rejection letters when I worked in college admissions. I am not fond of the recent uptick in stories like this or men and women who wont go on a business lunch alone because its with a member of the opposite sex. Best of luck to you, LW. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. Shes too fair to be naked out in that desert sun.. But I just wanted to let you know that there are at least two people in the world who definitively do not agree with your husband. He doesnt completely get it and I know hed rather I not go, but he definitely doesnt tell me I cant. I have a friend now who Ill maybe mention that he is going to a business thing and he will badger me where is he? I agree with your husband .. Meaning they side with the wife on this one. If he gets therapy and can get his anxiety and toxic masculinity under control, that would be one thing. Its a lot different than when I first went in 1989, but even then it was quite suitable (ideal, actually) for a business conference. The only effective thing to do with anger is for one of you to walk away leave the house if you have to. Frankly, there are very few cities that can handle massive conferences and Vegas may be the only option for the OPs company. (also, the remedy would normally be that both the wife and husband go to Vegas, not that the husband bans the business trip), I want to push back, snark, in case anyone else reading sees your comment and decides that couples isnt a good course of action because the issue is with one person in the couple.. OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. My husband gets nervous whether Im traveling for business or just about town (granted, Im not the best driver). What to Expect supports Group Black and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. Hes a great husband who is loving & shows affection in many was. If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. My wife and I have two young kids. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Yes, this. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. Can you cut it out, or find someone else to talk to about your worry?. I was just coming here to ask if she asked him to Turn his key!. There are few things worse than insisting that your partner go to therapy, and then having them misrepresent the situation and use therapy to validate themselves. I usually find that veiled anxiety/fear of minorities is at the root of cities are dangerous and scary and you must never go out after dark fears, but rarely is it veiled so thinly. For example, I dont gamble and drugs, etc have no appeal. That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. I knew that Counsling was the best step but I needed professional advice to confirm my thoughts. If all else fails OP can blame in on an alien abduction. And wondered aloud how he would have been if wed been together in the days I was traveling to Kosovo, Bosnia and Iraq as a newspaper reporter. Same! By letting him come chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with work colleagues, with single men, etc. I agree. Totally. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. but it was the backbone of learning to manage anxiety. Obviously were just two strangers on the internet, so you can take that data point for whatever its worth. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) Holy smokes. Do please note, even if he does have terrible anxiety or other mental health issues, hes also behaving in a really sexist manner, and being disabled doesnt give you carte-blanche permission to be a jerk. Its a him issue. If a person hasnt had much of a chance (or desire) to go to different places, your impression of them is far different than the reality. Out alone after dark = commuting to a job that has normal office hours. Seriously. +1 I think this is good advice! He can see how boring Vegas really is. Especially if as I suspect he doesnt have a position or isnt in a field where corporate retreats and meetings are a thing. But I do agree that its extremely possible the OPs husband is, consciously or unconsciously, skewing the results in his favor. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. Everyones mileage will vary of course, but thats the choice I made. At least thats what happens to *me* at conferences whether theyre in Kansas City or Honoluhu. I might just be flinching at the use of the word wholesome, though. Dont give him information that he will then twist (anxiety twists everything) and dont waste your time or your energy you need that for other things. But regardless, he needs to respect the demands of her job and treat her like an adult. And plenty of men there without their wives. I think its time to tell him something like: I need you to respect my ability to make my own decisions. OP, I agree with the prior commenter who asked about your husbands travel experience. my husband has his guy trip (fishing) this year i took a weekend with my mom. If it were me I would be seriously considering leaving the relationship especially if there are not already kids. Id say the chances are > 50% that this guy never asked anyone anything. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. And lets not forget: its entirely possible for someone to dabble in being a controlling, selfish jerk without really rising to the level of abuse or being an abuser. BTW, I hate the what happens in Vegas slogan and commercials as someone who did have a relationship end because of my partners infidelity, its not something that I find funny or amusing, and I cant imagine Im alone in that. Most people just went to Banana Republic and then did some karaoke. But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. Mmm.. Your feigned hysteria of all caps and multiple exclamation points comes across like a rude caricature of people you disagree with. Could be true. Its absolutely true, and she gets so. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. Bartending is legitimate work too. Does he not control other things about your life OP? I cant quite tell from this letter if he does yet or notnor if its a true anxiety issue or straight-up manipulative, controlling behavior. Seriously, OP this is *NOT* normal. For example, phone #: 123-333-4567. Don't exhaust yourselves. I certainly didnt want to give that impression! Send a good morning text, a been busy all day, just breaking for lunch text, and a goodnight call each day. Ive only been to Vegas twice. I did business trips to the Middle East. I just want to comment in support of you and your husband. Likewise, but I was in Hyattsville, Md. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. People understand the environment and are very vigilant about what is going on. It is ideally set up to host conferences. Thank you for acknowledging that this is not normal and is something you can work on. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. The things she comes up with are completely fictional, not based in any kind of reality at all. But, at least in that case, she was 100% aware of the power dynamics she signed up for in entering the marriage, unlike our OP. Then the next day drive another five hours and spend the night in a hotel then the final day if we drove five hours we would be at the beach. It was very concerning. Why would a husband not want to go anywhere with his wife? I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! husband doesn t want to go on family vacation Vegas! Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. Be bored, and be boring: This is not a debate, this is a fact deal with it but stated calmly, not aggressively. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. Not that it makes it ok, at all. And LWs husband doesnt get to veto business trips, either. She Won't Tell Her Husband the Gender of Their Baby Because He Refused by Alison Green on September 27, 2017. Its partially a trust issue, and partly the horrible stories some people tell themselves. Ive had several week-long business trips in CA the last few years and its a non-event. :P. The drunk human traffickers are trafficking the dealers! Me: I dunno, man, that seems pretty significant to me. He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Some things are objectively controlling behaviours though. And perversely its a lot SAFER than other big cities, because there are eyes everywhere, all the time. I had no problem with it. And the Flamingo is fun because its what I imagine the trashy, gaudy old Vegas was like so when Im there I pretend Im like a mobsters wife or something. Nope. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. Theres a weird dichotomy with that place. There are a lot of people on vacation. FWIW, my husband went on a business trip to Vegas last year when I was pregnant and feeling like crap. Im in the same boat as the OP. Eventually I sat him down and said something along the lines of, Dude, youre stressing me out. We took turns driving and stopped whenever we needed to fill up with gas or have a break, and if LO started crying and needed to be fed, we'd stop then, too. But they are the obvious two and also both hot-button topics on this forum. In summer it doesnt really get properly dark at all, and not until after midnight. Youre in a room all day, you still have to get up and WORK the next morning I go to one every year, and my butt is in bed at 10pm. How Do I Say No to a Vacation With My Parents? - The Cut A friend of mine was sort of that guy! OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. You obviously know this, and you know that your husband is being unreasonable, but your framing Do I do this to save my marriage? worries me, because it signals that you are in some sense accustomed to, or willing to seriously consider, accommodating your husbands irrational demands instead of advocating for your own needs. husband doesn t want to go on family vacationcomo llegar a los alpes franceses husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. And, this IS an us issue: his insecurities are damaging the relationship. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! I hope you can get some work done despite your husbands interference while you are gone. On work travel, it looks like meeting rooms and the booth in the exhibit hall. Its not a geographic nexus of evil or on a Hellmouth or anything, cmon! But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread. Embarrassing Family Photos Make It Hard To Look Away Iasked ifI could come. Their convention centers are clean, there are plenty of facilities for customer parties, etc. So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. In Amish country. Your wife is doing a normal thing and has given no signs she isnt anything but committed to you. He knows that travelling for work is non-negotiable, so hes willing to put in the work to make it easier for both of us. Seriously, I grew up in Las Vegas. Its like he thinks Vegas exists in some parallel universe with different logic and laws of physical, and that upon landing in Vegas all of his wifes usual behavioral norms and all concern for her life beyond Vegas will simply evaporate. I talked to a financial planner about my divorce before I decided to go through with it, and it turns out she and I married the same guy too! As someone in the convention industry, Vegas puts a LOT of effort into being a top convention destination (low cost, lots of large all-in-one spaces, lots of options for event entertainment), and pretty much every industry will have events that rotate through there. And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. Armchair diagnosis of either is not useful, but it doesnt hurt to remind people of possible things to consider. Hes worried the worst would happen: I cheat, someone spikes my drink, someone kidnaps me He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. They can also get into trouble in their own hometown. I think its not up to any of us to determine what OPs husbands major glitch is. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. And he, I think, talked that out with a therapist eventually. And of course brains being not rational, could be a whole soup of something bad will happen which combines kidnapping, cheating, meeting someone else and Vegas-marrying them despite already being marriedregardless, I think OP should go on the trip. Sure, that could be the problem. You could be going to New Orleans for Mardi Gras and uh, yes, of course she can go away without me is still the correct answer. Lets not give credibility to LWs spouse by arguing the matter of whether its really dangerous, or whether he has reasons to believe she will have an affair. So yeah somethings just not right. Agreed! Because setting some reasonable limits is part of that. He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go. For sure gamboling DOES occur in Vegas, same as gambling :). Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Note: After I wrote this answer, I received more details about the letter-writer about exactly what her husbands objections are. Also she is sole provider for family? From so many comments above, what people are missing here is that none of us knows whether the LWs husband is an anxiety sufferer or a control freak. I agree with the counseling suggestion. Ive been to Vegas. Marriage counseling is good for her so she can express her love for me without sounding like a hypochondriac. You have obviously not spent much time in New York City. Before you talk with your husband, try tounderstand why hedidnt want you there. I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. We dont know enough about how the spouse acts in other scenarios to draw larger conclusions. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. I went to Vegas for several scientific conferences back in the day, and I thought it was a weird idea until the first time I actually went. Im guessing its because Vegas sounds like its all casinos and bars and drunk parties, and if I learned anything in college its that bars and drunk parties are teeming with predators. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation We have tracks and the OTB, there are also lots of easy-to-locate poker games that are semi-legal. Hee! We hike through Red Rock Canyon or the Valley of Fire. We always have a good laugh when one of my husbands coworkers asks him, You actually let your wife go away without you? And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Same. Ive been to one (and my husband was only jealous of the food), and while I dont like Vegas myself, I cant deny that the Venetian knows how to run a conference. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. At that time, she was eating about every 3-4 hours. THANK you. Business trips for him are salt in a wound, Im guessing. But don't worry, Daisy. But thats true everywhere, and you can easily avoid said trouble by, you know, not doing something stupid. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). DH and I took our little girl on a 14-hour car trip when she was 4 weeks old (she's 10 weeks now).