Cause, really To me, its no different than drugs or alcohol. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. Not doing it! so sad. You have to do whats necessary to protect you! No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. Yes, a relationship that is inherently bad for you is like an addiction. information submitted for this request. Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. health information, we will treat all of that information as protected health A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. What better reason can anyone need? To move toward forgiveness, you might: Forgiveness can be hard, especially if the person who hurt you doesn't admit wrongdoing. When I got older I realized I didnt have to take her crap anymore. He was beyond hurtful and I just kept hoping and waiting and hoping he would make room in his life for me. Please buy it! All you're doing it making yourself unhappy by holding onto it. Theres no reason for him to think otherwise, anyway, because Ive been a stellar companion. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. If we combine this information with your protected Your behavior as a mother is scrutinized by your children so you should want to always set a good example for them to follow. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. Creating healthier boundaries in all aspects of my life. You'll soon start receiving the latest Mayo Clinic health information you requested in your inbox. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. information is beneficial, we may combine your email and website usage information with It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. Maybe a working definition of forgiveness would help? His niceness is just a front to get laid, unfortunately. I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. NC Nice idea but no one can correct a relationship on their own. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. The weekend was stunningly beautiful, romantic, and had me thinking that all of the demons had left him. I want to report I have gone over 3 months no contact, although I occasionally ask my mutual friend how the ex is doing, in general. Lets call sin by its name, shall we? So you do. endstream endobj 157 0 obj <. No, I couldnt be lady in waiting and hoping to change my status from booty call to GF, so finally I decided to break unhealthy patternI miss them from time to time, but keep reminding myself what I actually gained from these experiences?! He expressed his resentment of the new policies. That just comes with time and distance. You're mean to not want to go there. A lot less drama. I feel much better for having gone ahead and done this because it needed closure in my own head and only I could give that to me, by taking action and hoping to christ that I was enough of a different and stronger person not to fall into the same trap again. He isn't a human golden retriever all the time. The trouble is that when we mistake being cognizant of the past and what another person may have said or done as bearing grudges we lose a vital opportunity to acknowledge our feelings, our own path, and any lessons weve stood to gain from our experiences in general or with a particular person. Once your account is created, you'll be logged-in to this account. Thank you. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. I know this may be hard to read, all I can say is that from my own past experience when I was young (you sound quite young but I am making an assumption) when I felt overwhelmed with emotional pain I sometimes acted out from a place of fear, confusion and unwillingness to feel the pain of rejection. Yet, He forgives. I comprehend her disorders, but I also know that she is very intelligent. Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. Probably has a harem and a significant other to boot. My feeling is that it really doesnt matter what race, color, or creed we are. My friends husband just asked me out! Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information: verify here. Your temperamental styles and inability to negotiate conflict could be one reason why you are prone to keep grudges with friends or family. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. my weakness is intelligence too, but rememberintelligent people can be some of the most effed up folks on the planet. I dont like to be around you. All I can do is send you and your children a great big hug and I know you are all going to be just fine, xxxx. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of That would be a mistake. I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour. He knows. I have my dignity-you are correct. Yes. And go No Contact for as long as you possibly can. It didnt try to forgive him, I got on with life and it just happened. Allow him to be in his honeymoon period for a while. What the heck is likable about talking about women in a degrading way and being sure you know he has a host of booty calls lined up? We weigh in on the toxicity of those who don't understand boundaries and whether holding a grudge. Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. But you (I), know damn well, to your very core You cant trust it. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. For some reason even though he said this and some other things that I found questionable, I am really drawn to him. Or maybe you've had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. I sent a couple of texts telling him in effect what he did and that it was still not ok or forgotten. I am VERY happy for you. Accessed Nov. 2, 2022. I think in order to get over it, it needs to stop. So insensitive I just cant believe it. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. To hold a grudge is to have and maintain a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward someone for something they did, especially a wrong that you think they committed against you. This has been my biggest weakness! The one who hurt them is "the enemy." It beats being vulnerable. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. Did I learn lessons along the way? I appreciate your imput. and not actually to feel any better. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. He told me that he might get full residence of the kids as I was a crap mum and he did 90% of their care. Wonderful. What we fail to realise in these situations is that remembering the past or certainly having an awareness of the the types of situations and behaviours that ping our boundaries and are at conflict with our values isnt the same as holding a grudge. Forgiveness is an act of faith. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. If you havent, it may be something helpful in the healing process. Its like my old AC all over again. Ive been having insomnia looking for ways to go back to him. (I KNOW what I must do btw, simply because I do not want to/or should have to feel nauseus around a so called friend who makes constant referals to women looking hot or staring at my arse at every opportunity). Sometimes, you may find that youre holding a grudge even if youre doing so unintentionally. I agree 100%! You can draw a boundary without being bitter. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. After 14 months NC, including resisting polite invitations and helpful referrals (all phrased as though everything was honky dory between us), I broke NC via text randomly last month due to a clusterfuck practical circumstance. In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. Do yourself a huge favor: dont try to make him more than he is. Despite your best efforts, its impossible not to be hurt or disappointed by loved ones at some point in your life. Ive been there. I am well aware of the working definition of forgiveness and what it means and doesnt mean, especially in Biblical terms. Its finally over. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. Its also not a dating handbook. Yes, I ignored huge red flags and was probably a little EU on my end but it sill doesnt excuse what went down. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. I gather OLD has a lot of people who have that agenda. Sparkle that video is really emotional to watch for me, having been where that woman was too. I was calm and polite as always. grudge - WordReference English dictionary, questions, discussion and forums. I am very up front with him too. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. A bit OTT, but saw this on Pinterest today and made me think of all of us: You may have convinced yourself that you are too broken for love, but there is someone who will prove to you that true love can heal the shattered of hearts. Sorta-slow-fade. So, instead of braving the nasty weather to spend hours with people that I dont really want to get to know, I stayed in with a glass of red and watched a movie and had a lovely time! Precisely! Twice previously, Ive tried to b a platonic friend w this twit post ending the r.ship w him (my call both times) & twice he acted poorly, leading me to withdraw & move on. We get it all here. . He friended me on FB in Sept (seemed innocent enough Ive been to his house a few times), and just messaged me to suggest we go out. I will never contact my mother again. So I couldnt. What is the difference between forgiving our enemies and forgiving unrepentant people? There is a silver lining to everything. And had my attempts at making everything better by telling him I forgive him or Im over what happened were ALWAYS (not once, but at least 67 times) interpreted as me wanting to get back together. But I realized that there was good reason, and that he was snatching my safety net from under my feet pushing me away, while pulling my closest friends towards him. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. I AM afraid of being told (again) either implicitly or explicitly that I am selfish I know my ex has set me up for that and is oh so careful to always appear the good guy especially to our kids. I deal with this a lot. Same people. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. I think what helps is just seeing it through, dealing with the down moments because everyone has those and I think maybe we always will, but its about focusing on the good times and sticking to the things that are great for you. You just gotta listen and watch. He left me a voicemail last sat that just stunned me. So many things I still want to say to him. What are you bearing grudges for? I understand the need not to repeat bad experiences. Forgiveness can lead to: Being hurt by someone, particularly someone you love and trust, can cause anger, sadness and confusion. Those . In a word. I tired NC and then realized I was still being affected by her, especailly when I got into relationships. Closure? Like my mother for example? Are you a good person? He tried like hell to convince me to be present to now. Great that you saw the light and are moving onwards and upwards! Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. But he actually destroyed my confidence by denying me affection, respect, and appreciation and was deaf to me.completely stone deaf. It sounds like you did your research on learning about Narcs. It feels so awful not to handle things well and to lose so much confidence. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. You will always remember. Improved self-esteem. I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. To keep going back to someone, or anything that has proven not to be good for you, why keep going back? And dont feel bad, and stop making yourself wrong to please someone who fd up, even if it was the past. If we take a good hard look at where we have even reasonably decent relationships with people, romantic or otherwise, theyre not with people who rely on us having selective amnesia, who dont bear the responsibility for making right on something that theyve said theyll do after theyve erred, who dont keep trying to push the Reset Button, and who dont keep using the past as a weapon on us. So strange how these posts come out when Im in a situation where I can relate. Holding onto feelings of resentment is a surefire way to tell that youre not over an issue. There is a problem with It may not work out but I know MANY instances where it did. Pleasewe need to remember not to treat men we are dating and potentially hurt them in precisely the same ways which have brought so many of us to places of terrible pain, regret and confusion. Maeve, thank you. Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. If we issue a blanket ban on meeting that way, youre left with online dating and randoms. He and I both are, I wanna say, more devout than not. Ive thoughtnto myself that maybe i was too critical and expected too much from her, and that if i was more accepting it could work out, but the fact is shes with someone else. Natalie, this post is food for thought. I really love BR. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. FLUSH. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. I am extremely not saying hes a bad guy or he shoulda, woulda, coulda. There are days that you just want to stay in rather than go anywhere that's true for just about everyone. This of course prompts me to ask WTF and he tells me my friend and their son moved out in Sept. Click here for an email preview. The problem isnt dating a neighbour, its the stalking. (I was afraid they would turn against me). These Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family, Tian Dayton Quotes: Feeling Angry All The Time, Self Esteem Quote: Your Mental Illness Is Lying, 100 Tips For Growing Up My 20 Years of Recovery, What Is Resentment And Why You Have To Let It Go, 7 Ways To Overcome Addictions Destructive Conditioning, What Makes You Healthy High School Art / Media Contest 2023. Though part of me thinks, even if he didnt mean it, its a horrible thing to even say. This for my own sake. From our hearts. He didnt care about you before, so why would he care now? And yes, it is very much like an addiction. Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing the harm done to you. Anyway, hope that helps, Rosie. Itll be wasted emotion on your end. Thank you. Vindication? I am still angry and annoyed and want revenge, but thats just not going to happen or help. In some cases, this involves NOT letting them damage their soul and screw up their chances of learning to be healthy and happy by enabling their evil behaviour towards you. .and, I believe forgiveness starts with us, first. Dear Grace, Sparkle, courtney, Kit-Kat, Elgie R., and Mymble. Great addition, and true! No more contact. Victim's perspective of forgiveness seeking behaviors after transgressions. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. But, same thing happens, again and again. I was selfish. I replied just saying Its ok. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! If you feel uncomfortable, dont stick around. Across, the hall, down the street, around the corner is just too close for comfort. Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. He had no answer to that so I walked away. "If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.". Thinking about what sorts of feelings a person or situation brings up can help you figure out what's really going on. You do not need the extra burden and pain on your shoulders. . You do not want to go back to that way of life for nothing, because you know the damage it caused. these are the effs I do not give. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. They always tell you who they are. I believe that any credible christian teacher would say its absolutely fine for you to draw a line under this and cut contact. I feel right about not replying to him. I would definitely encourage you to watch this. I have a mother like that too! A person who says hes not ready for a relationship then goes back to the dating website does not know what he wants, but its sure to be an emotional bufferhe wants a woman who he can use as a sponge to absorb all of his pain and issues. Take some time out from dating, so that you can move on from the ex in a healthy way. Something about the sordidness and secrecy kept pulling me toward him. Do you think I am using the past bad situation to colour my impressions of this guy? Remember, your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. When the resentment persists, the grudge is still going strong.. I understand, Rosie, and I find soothing your willingness to comment. Ultimately, dont let anybody make you feel bad about the fact that you have knowledge or awareness of something and are being responsible enough to ensure that your values and boundaries reflect this. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. Is it you thats the problem? It then becomes that were running around forgiving everyone else but that we cant forgive ourselves and so we keep going back to pain sources to gain that forgiveness through validation, which only leads to more pain. Im just searching for some truth. Validation? Knowing what sorts of things might mean that you're holding a grudge, even if you don't think you are, can help you figure out a way to move forward. Its a broken world and there is no perfect answer to this messy situation, but a clean break is not more wrong than him messing with your head when there is no future. Keep telling yourself that. I guess, Ive been so unwilling to accept that theres no future. Right before she died, my Grandmother experienced another one of her frustrated, disgusted out of patience with your stupidity rants.she told her Bonnie, the way you spoke to me just then is why you will never have a relationship with your daughter. If this person being in my life only brought me pain, why would I go back when I can move forward? Listen to it. This serial monogamy is a fairly recent phenomenon and the bible is silent on how to handle it. Thank you. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. This is drama and will go nowhere! You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. I said thats just what you say about me. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. Unbelievable he now sends me s friend request. resentment noun. Youre holding a grudge! Ex: (Your ex-girlfriend keys your car) I will get vengeance for this and key her car. Ive seen him twice, at events, each time with his wife. He does not deserve the relief he thinks he will get from having a conversation with you wherein he manipulates you to be a kind and loving person forgiving him of all his transgressions, allowing him to move into the future without a guilty conscience. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. He never apologised. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. Thanks for your well thought out post. No mother its you. .What if they have changed? If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. Unfortunately, there are too many single women involved with ACs that behave as if their kids are deaf and dumb. Good for you Noquay. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. Sooner or later, your drug dealer comes around again You remember how you felt, and know it did you no good, only harm. Also, key into the pattern of the types of men youre attracted to, and why youre choosing to ignore and excuse all these red flags. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). They may have seen it, heard about it, read about it, but they havent experienced it for themselves. Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. Please be more discriminating in the future. Keep in mind, this is referring to moving on without someone, not with someone. that I was not OK with acting like friends and that he should have had the guts to tell me it was over instead of disappearing. He did you a favor by telling you, he couldnt do relationships, but you didnt listen when they give you this gem of info. I like to be a generous, supportive and caring person and this was exploited because I actually never got the care, respect, affection, appreciation and cooperation/teamwork I wanted and worked so hard for in the relationship. In my opinion its ALL there when you look behind the curtain. Sure, arent you making a meal out of this whole thing? Recently, before I broke up he wanted to see me less and less and definitely displayed other narcissistic and hurtful behaviors. Grudges are a form of punishment. 156 0 obj <> endobj There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. It's about caring enough about myself to not make myself a doormat ever again, and using the pain as motivation. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. But I did. Ready If you had a proper relationship and he was basically a good egg i might say go ahead and have a talk. Youre right. Youre seeing the forest beyond the trees. Thanks again! I finally get it now. Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. Jeez! Struggled with emotional unavailability, shady relationships, boundaries, or taking care of your needs? Forgiveness is letting go. Dont take your first attempt. A grudge often leads to burnout because it is the result of internalizing strong emotions and failing to decide what to do. AAAArrrrggggg!! Remember, forgiveness is a process. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. What i also know is that Ive come to this place where i am willing to compromise many times, but it never made the outcome any different. I did not respond.